Home“Once you marry a woman, it’s the ball and chain for you!”"All women want is to tell men what to do until they have no mind of their own left.”"When you make a commitment to a woman, forget about your freedom—it’s history.”Here we have one of the most notorious of the seven myths about women, the one men grumble about when they’re together, the one they intone as the reason they’re not in a committed relationship, the one they use to explain their resistance to going along with what their partner wants. Women just want to enslave men, this myth says. Slowly, bit by bit, women will try to take away a man’s freedom until he is groveling at her feet. Naturally, this horrible fate must be avoided at all costs. How? By not giving in to her and her requests.You can hear the echoes of this myth in the kinds of statements men say to each other in commenting on their relationships with women:”She has you wrapped around her finger, buddy.”"Brother, you are whipped. That woman has her way with you.”"He can’t agree to go with us until he gets permission from his ‘boss,’ I mean his wife, isn’t that right?”All of these remarks send one message to men: If you aren’t careful, your woman will take away your freedom and you will end up weak and powerless.
How do men feel women try to rob them of their freedom? We want men to spend time with us. We want them to talk about their feelings. We want them to let us know they need us. We want them to communicate with us about their schedule and their plans. We want them to show us they love us. We want them to include us in their important decisions. We want them to receive our support and input. We want them to work on staying close and connected.What do all of these requests add up to? Are they tactics women use to manipulate the man we love? Are they secret methods for emasculating him? Are they sinister techniques for making him our slave? NO! They are simply the ways women want men to help us create a committed, intimate relationship.Myth: Women want to rob men of their freedom. Truth: Women want to create a committed, intimate relationship.Here’s the problem: Men often misinterpret a woman’s normal—and I believe reasonable—requests for participation in the relationship as her attempt to rob him of his freedom. They feel that in giving in to their mate on just about anything, even if it’s something as simple as agreeing to call her when he arrives at a destination, or talking about a topic she brings up, or implementing an idea she has, he will somehow be losing his independence. This fear of relinquishing his freedom and his consequential reactivity to her efforts sets up an adversarial and unhealthy dynamic in the relationship:What Women Want Men to Know:When a man has a big issue with proving to himself that he is free, every interaction with his mate becomes a power struggle in which he feels he must come out on top.It’s Sunday morning, and Patty and her husband, Matt, are lying in bed. “What do you want to do today, honey?” Patty asks.”I don’t know, let’s see how the day unfolds,” Matt answers.”But it’s already ten o’clock, Matt, and we agreed that this weekend we’d look for paint colors for the bathroom and check out the sale at the electronics store to see if we can pick up a new fax machine.”"I know how it works,” Matt replies sarcastically. “It starts with a few errands, and before I know it, you’re dragging me into a dozen stores and my day is shot.”"Gee, Matt, all I wanted was to do a few things together, and you make it sound like I’m kidnapping you or something,” Patty says in a hurt voice.”Well, that’s how it feels, like I’m a hostage in my own car, like I’m trapped into a day I didn’t choose.”The conversation ends, and Patty is frustrated and confused. She can’t understand why it’s so difficult for her husband to agree to a simple plan, and why he becomes so resistant to any little request she makes. And how is Matt feeling? He feels successful that he “won,” that he didn’t give in to Patty. Ironically, he actually did want to buy paint and check out the fax machine, but a part of him couldn’t say “yes” to his wife without feeling he would lose something in the process—his sense of freedom.
This is a perfect example of how Myth creates power struggles in relationships. For a man who buys into this myth, even the most insignificant interaction becomes about guarding against what he perceives as threats to his freedom, rather than about cooperating with the woman he loves. When his wife asks him a question, he feels he will lose his freedom if he answers on the spot. When she suggests an idea for how he can handle a situation, he feels he’ll lose his freedom if he goes along with her suggestion. When she tries to make plans, he feels he’ll lose his freedom if he commits.In deference to the women reading this section, we need to stop for a moment and answer the question that’s burning in all of our minds: What the heck is this “freedom” men are talking about? What do they mean when they say they “need their freedom”? Freedom to do what?I’ve spent many years, both personally and professionally, trying to understand this concern for freedom that men have, and I must admit I am continually amazed at how men actually define the experience of being free in regard to their intimate relationships. Guys, as I’ve analyzed it, I’ve come to the conclusion that when you say you want to maintain your freedom, you mean the following:Freedom not to have to answer to your partnerFreedom not to have to explain yourself or your behaviorFreedom not to have to be anywhere or do anything you don’t want to doFreedom not to have to talk to your mate when you aren’t in the mood to discuss anythingFreedom not to have to make plans or commitmentsFreedom not to feel obligated to take care of your woman’s needs if you don’t feel like itFreedom not to have to deal with your partner’s issuesFreedom not to have to explain why you need so much freedom
I must confess that when I read this list, I feel like saying to men: “You want all of those freedoms? Fine—then go be alone! You can have all the freedom you want by yourself.” All right, so I’m reacting a little dramatically, but isn’t that what this list amounts to—a description of being single? When you’re not in a relationship, you don’t have to answer to anyone or do anything you don’t want to do, or make plans, or deal with another person’s needs. But when you fall in love, you trade some of these “freedoms” for the joy of sharing your life with another human being. It’s the price you pay for the gift of love.This is what perplexes women about men: You want to be with us and love us and have us love you, but you don’t want to feel obligated to do anything that would take away your freedom. My answer to this is that the kind of freedom some men are so terrified of losing is really an illusion, a freedom they never had in the first place.In this same way, the moment you enter into an intimate relationship with another person, you are relinquishing a certain amount of your freedom. From that point on, someone else is going to react to what you say and do, have expectations of you, need things from you, project her issues onto you, and affect you with her moods, energies, personality, and desires. That’s what a relationship is—letting yourself be affected by someone else.True freedom in a relationship is not about what you get to do or not do now that you’re with someone else— it’s being free to love without fear, to receive without resistance, and to give without holding back.What happens when men believe Myth?Men use this myth as an excuse to avoid making a commitment.”Sure, I’d love to have a steady girlfriend, but I’m not the type of guy who can give up my freedom, know what I mean?”"When I realized Sue wanted to get married, I broke off the relationship. She was trying to chain me, and I’m the kind of guy who needs a lot of space and freedom.”In spite of what these men are saying, it’s not losing their freedom that they’re afraid of—it’s making a commitment to an intimate relationship. Committing to love another person is scary. You open yourself up to being hurt, to being rejected, to the possibility of loss. For some men, the fear of this kind of pain is so strong that they avoid getting too close or making a commitment to a woman. However, they’re not about to say, “Look, I’m terrified of commitment, so I can’t open my heart to you,” or “My last girlfriend cheated on me, and I’m too scared to trust love again.” These sentiments would make them appear weak and not in control—and this wouldn’t be very manly! Instead, they use Myth #7 as an excuse: “I’d love to be with a woman if I could find one who wouldn’t try to take away my freedom,” they insist. In other words, the reason they aren’t in a committed relationship is because all the women they meet are too demanding and controlling.The problem with a man who stereotypes a woman as wanting to rob him of his freedom is that he’ll overreact to even her slightest attempt to create closeness, and miss the very love that could heal his heart of the pain that caused it to close down in the first place.The Truth About MythWomen aren’t trying to rob men of anything. On the contrary, we’re trying to give you something—our love, our devotion, our loyalty. All of our efforts to communicate with you, spend time with you, be intimate with you, and work things out with you are not attempts to take away your freedom, but to create the best relationship possible.*44\289\2*
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